Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Open Letter to Bruce Banner

Dear Bruce:

May I call you Bruce? No? OK, then. Please calm down, sir.

Dear Mr. Banner:

It was recently brought to my attention (by my little brother) that you've gone vegan. Congratulations on making the compassionate choice! I'm sure you'll find the vegan lifestyle to be satisfying and fulfilling for both your ethics and your taste buds. However, he also pointed out the following incident, which occurred while you were living under the name Bixby:

(click to embiggen)

I would like to begin by saying it's quite likely I would have reacted the same way. How many times can one hear "If god didn't want us to eat animals, why'd he make them out of meat?" before one snaps? But I do have a few points I'd like to discuss if you don't mind:

1. Tofurky actually is quite funny. I enjoy their hickory smoked slices once in a while myself, but the roast? Hilarious. Have you ever tried to carve and serve it? It's like you've brought a football to the table. It tastes OK and the texture is fine, but you can do so much better for yourself. Might I suggest the steamed seitans in Terry Hope Romero's Vegan Latina? They're cheaper, lower in sodium and tastier than store bought mock meats.

2. A Tofurky, lettuce and tomato sandwich. Really? You're a genius and that's the best you can do? Please tell me that wasn't on Wonder Bread. Do yourself a favor and add some interesting vegetables and flavors to your sandwiches. For example:

It's important to start your sandwich with a good spread. It helps everything stick and adds to your flavor profile. I used the Punk Rock Chickpea Gravy from Vegan with a Vengeance, but you should at least get a jar of Veganaise.

Instead of lettuce (especially if you were rocking the iceberg), why not try a leafy green with more nutritional value? Or at least some flavor? Baby spinach and watercress could be nice. I went with arugula and "red" seitan:
Tomatoes are great on a sandwich, but you know what's even better? Sun dried tomatoes! I also added some mung bean sprouts for extra crunch:
I don't think anyone would laugh at that sandwich:

3. I'll put this as delicately as I can: killing your coworkers then chomping down on live cows in the field isn't exactly vegan. I understand your frustration. We've all been there. But when environmentalists talk about "Going green," this isn't what they're referring to. I suggest letting off some steam and venting your frustrations before you Hulk out next time. If you don't have any vegan friends to commiserate with you, there's always the Internet. Try The PPK, you might like it.

Yours truly,


Nicole said...

This is hilarious/brilliant!!! :D

Anonymous said...

That's awesome. I laughed.

panda with cookie said...


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